How to improve your sex life: 12 expert-backed ways to feel closer

In this article

1. 1. Talk about sex outside the bedroom
2. 2. Separate affection from sex
3. 3. Understand that desire works differently for different people
4. 4. Reduce stress and get enough sleep
5. 5. Make time on purpose
6. 6. Slow down
7. 7. Explore what each of you enjoys
8. 8. Look after your body
9. 9. Let go of performance
10. 10. Repair conflict
11. 11. Address problems early
12. 12. Get support together
13. Myths and facts
14. A quick self-check
15. When to get help

Almost every couple goes through phases where sex feels routine, rushed or absent. The good news: a better sex life is rarely about new techniques. It is about connection, comfort and communication, and these can be rebuilt at any stage of a relationship.

1. Talk about sex outside the bedroom

The best time to discuss intimacy is on a calm walk or over tea, not straight after a disappointing night. Use “I” statements: “I feel closest to you when we slow down” lands better than “You always rush.” Our guide on how to talk about sex with your partner has scripts you can borrow.

2. Separate affection from sex

When every hug feels like a request, the partner with lower desire starts avoiding touch. Agree that cuddles, kisses and massages can simply be enjoyed. Paradoxically, this usually increases desire.

3. Understand that desire works differently for different people

Some people feel spontaneous desire. Many others, especially in long relationships, feel responsive desire: interest appears after closeness begins. Neither is wrong. Knowing this removes a lot of guilt.

4. Reduce stress and get enough sleep

Exhaustion and stress hormones dampen libido for everyone. Read more on stress, anxiety and sex drive. Even small changes, like going to bed together without phones, help.

5. Make time on purpose

“Scheduling” sounds unromantic, but anticipation is a powerful part of desire. A protected evening each week gives intimacy a place in busy lives.

6. Slow down

Rushing increases anxiety and reduces pleasure for both partners. Longer foreplay, relaxed breathing and focusing on sensation rather than outcome all make intimacy more satisfying.

7. Explore what each of you enjoys

Preferences change over time. Ask open questions: “Is there anything you’d like more of?” Curiosity keeps intimacy alive in long-term relationships.

8. Look after your body

Regular movement, a balanced diet, limiting alcohol and not smoking support healthy blood flow, hormones and energy. Conditions like diabetes or thyroid problems can affect sexual health, so keep check-ups up to date.

9. Let go of performance

Comparing yourselves with films or social media creates pressure. Pleasure, closeness and fun matter more than duration or “technique”.

10. Repair conflict

Unresolved resentment quietly switches off desire. Repairing arguments, apologising and feeling heard are part of a healthy sex life.

11. Address problems early

Difficulties such as erectile problems, premature ejaculation, pain during sex or low desire are common and treatable. The longer they are avoided, the more anxiety builds around them.

12. Get support together

Couples sex therapy is a structured, private conversation with a trained professional. Many couples use it not because something is “broken”, but to reconnect faster. Learn what happens in sex therapy.

Myths and facts

• Myth: Good sex should happen spontaneously. Fact: In long relationships, planned intimacy is normal and often more relaxed.
• Myth: More frequent sex means a better relationship. Fact: Satisfaction and connection matter far more than numbers.
• Myth: If we need help, something is badly wrong. Fact: Many couples use expert support simply to reconnect faster.
• Myth: New techniques are the answer. Fact: Communication, comfort and less pressure usually make the biggest difference.

A quick self-check

Ask yourselves honestly:

• Do we talk about intimacy without arguing?
• Do we touch affectionately outside sex?
• Are we both rested enough to enjoy each other?
• Is either of us avoiding intimacy because of pain, worry or a difficulty?
• When did we last spend unhurried time together?

If two or more answers worry you, start with one small change this week.

When to get help

Consider a confidential session if intimacy has dropped for months, one of you feels rejected or pressured, sex is painful, or a sexual difficulty keeps returning. Our free confidential assessment takes you step by step, and you can choose your preferred expert.

Frequently asked questions

This article is for general education and is not a substitute for personal medical advice. If you have sudden symptoms, pain, bleeding or thoughts of self-harm, please contact a doctor or local emergency services.