Gaslighting in relationships: 12 signs, examples and how to respond

In this article

1. What is gaslighting?
2. 12 signs of gaslighting
3. How gaslighting affects you
4. Gaslighting vs normal disagreement
5. Gaslighting by family and in-laws
6. Why do people gaslight?
7. How to respond to gaslighting
8. When gaslighting is part of abuse
9. Healing after gaslighting
10. Myths and facts
11. A quick self-check
12. When to get help

You were sure you told them about the plan. They say you never did. You felt hurt by a comment. They say you are too sensitive. Over months, you stop trusting your own memory. You apologise constantly. You wonder if you are the problem.

This slow erosion of self-trust has a name: gaslighting. It is one of the most searched relationship terms today because so many people recognise it once it is explained. This guide explains what gaslighting looks like, why it is so damaging, and how to protect yourself.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation in which one person repeatedly causes another to doubt their perception, memory or feelings. The term comes from an old film in which a husband dims the gas lights and insists his wife is imagining it, until she doubts her own mind.

Gaslighting is not a single argument or a genuine difference in memory. It is a pattern that shifts power: the more you doubt yourself, the more you rely on the other person’s version of reality.

It can happen between partners, spouses, in-laws, parents and children, friends, and at work.

12 signs of gaslighting

1. Denying things that clearly happened. “I never said that.”
2. Minimising your feelings. “You’re too sensitive.” “Why are you making a big deal?”
3. Rewriting history. Events are retold so you appear at fault.
4. Blaming you for their behaviour. “I only shouted because you provoked me.”
5. Questioning your memory or sanity. “You’re confused again.” “Maybe you should see a doctor.”
6. Using “everyone” against you. “Everyone thinks you overreact.”
7. Turning the conversation around. You raise a concern and end up apologising.
8. Calling cruelty a joke. “Can’t you take a joke?”
9. Mixing kindness with control. Affection and gifts follow hurtful episodes, keeping you confused.
10. Isolating you. Discouraging friendships or family contact, or saying others are against you.
11. Withholding. Refusing to discuss issues, then claiming you never raised them.
12. Making you feel you can’t trust yourself to make decisions without them.

How gaslighting affects you

People who experience gaslighting often:

• Second-guess themselves constantly
• Apologise all the time, even when not at fault
• Feel confused, “foggy” or anxious
• Struggle to make simple decisions
• Hide things from friends to avoid judgement
• Feel they were once more confident and joyful
• Develop low self-esteem, anxiety or low mood. See how to build self-esteem and confidence.

It can also affect intimacy. When you don’t feel safe or respected, desire and closeness often fade. Some people feel pressured into intimacy to “keep the peace”, which is never okay. See setting sexual boundaries and consent.

Gaslighting vs normal disagreement

Healthy couples disagree and remember things differently. The difference is in how disagreements are handled:

Healthy disagreement	Gaslighting
“I remember it differently. Let’s figure it out.”	“That never happened. You’re making it up.”
Both feelings are respected	Your feelings are dismissed or mocked
Both people take some responsibility	You always end up at fault
Resolution brings closeness	Discussions leave you confused and smaller

Gaslighting by family and in-laws

Gaslighting isn’t only a romantic-relationship problem. In joint families or close family networks, it can sound like:

• “We never said that, you misunderstood.”
• “You’re too sensitive; that’s just how we talk in this family.”
• “Everyone else is happy, so the problem must be you.”
• “You’re making our son/daughter turn against us.”

Family gaslighting can be especially confusing because of love, duty and cultural expectations. It helps to agree with your partner on how you will respond together, keep conversations calm and specific, and set boundaries about how you’re spoken to. If your partner dismisses your experience every time, that pattern is worth exploring in counselling.

Why do people gaslight?

Some people gaslight deliberately to control. Others learned it in their own families and use it to avoid shame or responsibility, without fully realising its impact. Understanding the reason does not make the behaviour acceptable, but it can help decide whether change is possible.

How to respond to gaslighting

1. Trust your experience

Your feelings are valid information. You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel hurt.

2. Keep records

Write down incidents with dates, what was said and how you felt. Keep messages and emails. Records help you trust your memory.

3. Don’t get pulled into endless arguments

You don’t have to win the debate about details. Try: “I remember it differently, and I’m not going to argue about it.”

4. Talk to people outside the relationship

Trusted friends, family or a counsellor provide a reality check and break isolation.

5. Set boundaries

“If you call me crazy, I will end the conversation.” Then follow through.

6. Rebuild self-trust

Make small decisions on your own and notice they turn out fine. Reconnect with activities and people you enjoy.

7. Consider couples counselling carefully

Couples therapy can help when both partners want to change and there is no abuse. If there is ongoing control, threats or violence, individual support and safety planning should come first.

When gaslighting is part of abuse

Gaslighting often appears alongside other controlling behaviour: monitoring your phone, controlling money, restricting contact with family, threats, or physical or sexual violence. These are signs of an abusive relationship. See toxic relationship signs.

If you feel unsafe:

• India: 112 (emergency), 181 (Women Helpline)
• USA: 911, National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
• UK: 999, National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247
• Canada: 911
• UAE: 999

Healing after gaslighting

Recovery takes time. Many people need to rebuild trust in their own judgement, not just in others. Therapy helps you:

• Make sense of what happened
• Reduce self-blame
• Rebuild confidence and boundaries
• Recognise red flags in future relationships. See how to move on after a breakup.

Myths and facts

• Myth: Gaslighting only happens in romantic relationships. Fact: It happens in families, friendships and workplaces too.
• Myth: Smart, confident people can’t be gaslit. Fact: Anyone can be, because it builds slowly over time.
• Myth: If they’re sometimes kind, it isn’t gaslighting. Fact: Kindness mixed with manipulation is part of what keeps people confused.
• Myth: You must prove it to leave. Fact: You don’t need anyone’s agreement to protect yourself.

A quick self-check

• Do I often doubt my memory after talking to them?
• Do I apologise even when I don’t know what I did wrong?
• Have I stopped telling friends about my relationship?
• Do I feel I’ve lost confidence since this relationship began?
• Do I feel afraid of their reaction?

When to get help

Talking to a professional can restore clarity and confidence. Take our free mental wellness check or, if you both want to work on the relationship, the free couple assessment. Then book a Discovery Call, private and online, in English or Hindi.

Frequently asked questions

This article is for general education and is not a substitute for personal medical advice. If you have sudden symptoms, pain, bleeding or thoughts of self-harm, please contact a doctor or local emergency services.